Scouting Report: Mike Ford (1B/DH)

We’ve broken down the tape and can confirm Mike Ford does exist, at least in the sense that anyone or anything can exist in this so-called “reality”

With Ryon Healy more spurred than a horse in an old west bank robbery getaway, and the Mighty Vogdor now booted like the car you left FOR JUST FIVE MINUTES on 3rd Ave last Wednesday, the Mariners’ options at first base are, essentially, Rule V draft pick Mike Ford. So, who is Mike Ford? Well, we here at Dome and Bedlam Industries are not, and will never pretend to be, professional scouts, but here is our brief overview of the man who may very well toe first base come Opening Day. Every scouting report has a bit of a different structure and form, but for our purposes we are going to stick to a simple Pro and Con list.




  • Plus pitch identification and strike zone command should result in healthy walk rates, and manageable strike out rates.
  • Has two functioning arms and ten non-broken fingers
  • Ditto legs and toes
  • Currently plays in the Seattle Mariners organization
  • Makes a mean Denver Omelette
  • Has played first base in the minors to a degree we would rank “not atrocious”
  • Two syllable first/last name combo shows high efficiency and ability to focus on his game, while not being distracted by superfluous puffery
  • Did NOT plagiarize his tenth grade English final on Flannery O’ Connor’s A Good Man Is Hard To Find, despite what JANET says
  • Swing plane and strong hip turn indicates potential for untapped power
  • Again, like, not even a little bit hurt.


  • Bad goatee
  • Through age 24 season only twenty-five games above AA, and zero in the major leagues
  • Plays a better defensive first base than Daniel Vogelbach and Ryon Healy, and that’s about it
  • Buys his vinyl through Amazon, does not support his local record shop
  • Liked a somewhat nebulous but potentially right-wing leaning Facebook post in 2012
  • Swing seems geared to crush mistakes, but aforementioned hip turn seems to sell out for pull power, and may make driving the ball to all fields difficult
  • Sunrise peaks the horizon, framing the silhouette of a ragged yet hearty band of freedom fighters. Their cry echoes across the land, ringing the Bell of Truth:”Fuck the ivys! Fuck the ivys!”
  • Claims Pinkerton is the best Weezer album
  • Without further development in power tool major league pitchers will challenge Ford in the zone with much more regularity than he has experienced in the minors, requiring him to hold onto his ability to run a low K rate, a significant challenge in the modern game
  • Says gif with a hard “g”


(this has been the first in our series of Dome and Bedlam Scouting Reports. It may also be the last. All these facts are true and not at all just randomly generated while we sip our coffee, desperately trying to cling to our sanity as weather and holidays have kept us indoors with two children for practically the entire week. Remember, baseball is serious business, and baseball blogging should reflect that)

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