With the newly ratified collective bargaining agreement in place between MLB and the MLBPA, one question has been hot on the lips of every Seattle Mariners fan: How should Jerry Dipoto spend John Stanton’s money? This post doesn’t seek to answer that question because we already did that. No, instead, consider this an open letter of recommendations to Seattle Mariners Chairman and Managing Partner John Stanton on how best to spend his obscene fortune on his true passion in life: baseball-adjacent items.

Public Relations Manager 
COST: $150,000 (annual salary)
Alright John, let’s just rip the bandaid off and get it over with: People don’t like you. You’re a billionaire, which makes you inherently alien and unrelatable to the vast majority of humanity, and churning out car wreck public appearances isn’t doing you any favors. You gotta get out there and gin up some good will, and what better way to do that without actually changing anything about yourself than hiring a kickass public relations manager? Now, don’t let the sticker shock scare you off; after an intensive and thorough three second Google search I’ve determined that the average annual salary of a PR manager in Seattle is going to run you about $100k. Then you have to factor in that the most common phrases associated with you among Mariners fans are “skinflint” and “goblinesque,” so you’re going to want to spend a bit more and hire someone who’s the cream of the crop at making rich ghouls like yourself seem human. Convincing the general public that you could pass the Voight-Kompf test, all for the cost of 1/5 the MLB minimum salary, is an incredible return on investment.

BEHR Premium Plus “Diva Glam” Exterior Paint, 5-gallon bucket
COST: $163
One of the downsides to owning a Major League Baseball stadium is the human cattle shuffling through your baseball-themed, open-air Dave & Busters—their hard-earned dollars vacuumed out of their bank accounts like a ghost being sucked into the Poltergust, spent on garlic fries and okay beer that could have otherwise gone towards something useful like an oil change for their car, or flowers for their partner who doesn’t really like baseball, but loves them enough, for some reason, to continue tolerating their interest in this fading sport that frequently feels less like a national pastime and more like a mirror reflecting America’s decline from the world stage—spreading their filth everywhere and ruining the meticulously constructed, immaculate, corporate-approved environment. This disgusting mixture of tech bros, awful children, bloggers, and suckers who believe that this is the season the Mariners are going to win it all are bound to scuff up or ding one of the many, many park fixtures painted in eye-searing T-Mobile Magenta. Luckily, BEHR offers the perfect touch up solution with their “Diva Glam” exterior paint in convenient 5-gallon buckets, and it looks close enough to the real thing that no one’s going to notice the patch job after a Space Dust or seven.

Mack’s Pillow-Soft Silicone Earplugs (6-pack)
COST: $7
John, I don’t have to tell you that Jerry Dipoto loves the sound of his own voice. Personally, I’m not a fan! Which is why if I had frequent meetings with Jerry, which I’m sure you do ever since promoting him to President of Baseball Operations, I’d come equipped with these bad boys and let his voice fade away to a pleasant, distant hum. Just watch his body language, smile, and nod at the appropriate times, John. Smile and nod.

Win Forever: Live, Work, and Play Like a Champion by Pete Carroll (Paperback)
COST: $35
Supposedly, you hate losing! Those dudes across the street from you seem to have figured something out with regards to winning, so maybe give this a read and see if that helps.

Replica World Series Trophy via copytrophy.com
COST: $1,400
I’ve been told that intensely visualizing, or “manifesting,” your desires will send shockwaves out into the universe and make them come true. Personally, I think that’s a crock of shit, but I’m not the owner of the most embarrassing franchise in North American sports, so I can safely disregard that hippie nonsense with minimal impact on my comfortably pedestrian day-to-day life. You, however, own a franchise whose playoff drought is one season away from being able to legally drink, so you might as well give it a shot. Buy one of these and shoot good vibes and affirmations at it, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do.

Dome and Bedlam
COST: $13,000,000
Writing about this Sideshow Bob rake bit of a franchise is a Sisyphean construct of our own design. It’s exhausting, and often disheartening, but we’re going to keep rolling that goddamn boulder up the hill while you keep eating our livers and stepping on those rakes. Everyone’s got a price, though, and I’ve unilaterally decided that ours is $1 million per blog member. Think about it, John. For the cost of less than one full season of Robbie Ray you can be rid of us forever. No more nasty articles calling you a buttmunching bozo who doesn’t care about this team or city. No more hack job photoshops of your face on paintings and Simpsons screenshots. No more podcast! [Ed’s note: we offer this ahead of time as a token of our goodwill] Just imagine the possibilities!

We expect to hear back from you in the coming days, and look forward to doing business with you.