I am a mediocre writer and a very poor analyst but one thing I am qualified to weigh on is the life experiences that make one Dad. Please note an important point: Much as Hova (rightly) declared “ladies is pimps too” one does not need to have children to be dad. Dadhood is, more than life circumstance, a tao. It resides within each of us differently but it is there; waiting, lurking, telling you to get off your ass and cross hatch the lawn.

As such please find a collection of the 2022 Seattle Mariners as dads.

Robbie Ray – Washed Up Jock Dad

I hear your objections, dear reader: “Robbie Ray is literally a professional athlete right now, and a very good one!” While true, dadhood is about vibes, not facts. Robbie Ray grunts every single time he throws a pitch. He wants you to know whatever he’s doing is hard work. His figure implies a dual-mode lifestyle of squatting and crushing Natty Lights under the bleachers while thinking about how he would have won state if the wideout had just run the right route that one time. His pants? Those pants are made to be accessorized with two snake skin boots, one cowboy hat, and exactly zero shirts. This is 1994’s Homecoming King – Your Opening Day starting pitcher.

Eguenio Suarez – Life Coach Dad

This is the dad that waited to start a family. He hit it big in tech in his 20’s before slowing down to get married and have kids at 37. He owns four properties, one of which is completely off the grid. Staring having teenagers in his house until his late 50’s, has gotten very into yoga and selfcare. His clothes are shockingly bereft of pant legs and could best be described as “billow-forward”. 

He doesn’t really work in the traditional sense, but gets flown to various European cities with names that end in “visk”, and “fjord” 2-3 times a quarter. He’s paid a very large sum of money to go through a Powerpoint presentation and look damn fine while doing it. He is always, always wearing a headband. Even in the shower. He’s very, very happy, and why wouldn’t he be?

Adam Frazier – Navy Dad

First of all, son, no eye contact. Spent time in San Diego, perhaps America’s best city, and didn’t enjoy it at all. Very well traveled, but still says his favorite place to eat is Outback Steakhouse. Favorite video game is Call of Duty, which he plays in an absurdly expensive gamer chair, even though it looks ridiculous in the living room.

Absurdly fit and does a Tough Mudder or Tough Mudder Non-Union Equivalent 4-5 times a year, this dad’s favorite film franchise is the “[BLANK] Has Fallen” series. He owns all the Linkin Park albums on CD, and has a Dallas Cowboys tattoo on his butt he got after losing a bet during Basic. 

Jesse Winker – Unionized Steelworker Dad

Thanks to the righteous beauty of unionized labor, makes a shockingly good living. I say “shockingly” because seemingly $4.73 of that has gone into his wardrobe. Owns multiple ATVs and at least one Sea-Doo. Takes an amazing amount of vacations, most of which are to various state parks in a $150,000 fifth wheel that takes 45 minutes to park correctly. 

Terrible with technology. Just awful. Butt dials a least twice a week, absolutely does not text ever (besides to enter sweepstakes he hears about on AM radio), and thinks the Seahawks’ problems are that they don’t run the ball enough and that they “got soft.”

Loves his wife, kids, and dogs very much. He’s a good dad.

Tom Murphy – Prepper Dad

Watched KNIVES OUT (2019) because he thought it was a documentary. Got really, really angry when he realized it wasn’t. Drops the kids off at school before spending the rest of the morning in the woods trying out new self-made animal traps. Can deadlift a deer carcass and carry it five miles if needed. Family vacations never, ever involve working electricity. 

Has a bunker with enough canned food for everyone in the home to survive 10 years. The space has a working latrine, water reclamation system, and a library with four complete sets of the LEFT BEHIND series, and the Sears catalog years 1994-1999. Drives a 2003 Dodge Caravan and works in accounting for a mid-sized chemical company. Has won his fantasy football league three years running. 

Mitch Haniger – All I Want is Some GD Peace and Quiet Dad

Has five kids, first of all. After three boys wife and he decided to try for a girl and, because the universe is nothing but a cascading series of curling monkey paws, had twins. Between gymnastics, music lessons, braces, and (deep sigh as he stares exactly 50 yards ahead of the Fred Meyer aisle he’s standing in) college he absolutely knows retirement isn’t coming before 70, if ever. Loves every single part of his family and wouldn’t change a thing, but also hasn’t slept more than five hours in a night in literal years. Drinks enough coffee before 10 AM to charge up an adolescent male rhinoceros. 

Has watched two non-animated films in the past three years. The most recent was LOOPER (2012), which he watched in 20 minute increments over the period of 10 days between child bedtime routines and potty breaks. Would really, really, really, really like some peace and quiet.

Diego Castillo – Chef Dad

Also watched KNIVES OUT (2019) mistakenly looking to learn some craft. Owns a dazzling collection of kitchen gadgets. Has his butcher’s number in his favorites tab on his phone, where they often find themselves texting about a broad range of topics. Kids, age 5 and 8, are being groomed for appearances on Chopped Junior. The youngest has shown some serious sauce aptitude, while the oldest has perfected the art of char. 

Vast majority of leisure time is spent shopping for hard-to-find ingredients, meal prep, marinating, and watching cooking shows. Thinking about getting his Sommelier Certification. Lives in Issaquah and works for Amazon.

Paul Sewald – Cool Dad

Has an oddly good feel around social media, although his kids recently became old enough to find him there which makes him feel deeply uncomfortable. Good at Twitter and smart enough to stay off Tik Tok. Has played 2-4 hours of whichever video game is popular at the moment and listened to the first half of enough popular songs to be semi-relevant culturally. Absolutely NOT compensating for lost childhood and/or putting off adulthood in any way, thank you very much. 

Always gets to a prestige television program the exact moment popular culture has discarded it, but insists on dragging people through his personal experience anyway. Wants to write a novel, and has big plans for what he’s going to do when it’s time to “really buckle down and start making something of himself.” Pours too much time into hobbies as a way to avoid life’s more challenging aspects. Thinking about learning guitar.