We’re nearing the end of winter solstice: The cold, long, winter is thawing out, birds are chirping their sweet song a little earlier, the daylight is starting to stick around after 5pm, my heavy jacket stays on the hook once in a while, and the Seattle Mariners have reported for Camping World Presents: Spring Training 2021. This is usually the most exciting time of the year for BASEBALL STUFF and I see the hometown nine is creating quite the buzz for *checks notes* having their team president and CEO Kevin Mather admit to service time manipulation, blast his best young prospect for not speaking english well, call Marco Gonzales boring, and myriad of other transgressions that was Good Place season 1 level of heel turn.

The reaction has been both fast and furious and in a beautiful moment in time the Seattle Mariners Online Discourse (patent pending) appeared to be harmonious for approximately 24 hours. While we waited for our bumbling buds at the corner of Edgar and Dave to take almost a day to make a decision that we arrived at in 30 seconds, a question started working its way to the surface. In the immortal words of former Atlanta Falcons defensive lineman and acclaimed thespian William Goldberg, “Who’s next?” 

As somebody who is gainfully employed, I’ve never to my knowledge been fired, and I can assure you I’ve NEVER been thanked for my work, disgraced or otherwise, but I still consider myself someone who knows the people who stand out and will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get the hometown nine to the NEXT LEVEL. I’ve spent minutes on compiling the following list of people who just might fit the bill.

Theo Epstein

Theo’s name has been thrown around as he has changed the shape of two very wealthy teams that were willing to spend money in order to win a World Series. The Mariners’ payroll is around the same valuation of a Storage Wars locker, so I can see Theo balking at the idea of having someone over his shoulder saying “$2 million for a left fielder? Do you understand how many parking spots that’ll take to cover?”

Lou Piniella

Leave him alone. He’s living his life drinking his boxed wine, driving a bus, and stealing chips from his new best friends at SHAG. The last thing he wants to do is make personnel decisions or, god forbid, financial decisions. Look at it this way, he probably had some massive contracts in his day, and now he lives in the only nice place that has rent in the greater Seattle area for $1k a month. Stay away from my books, Lou.

THE FANS

That’s right, baby! Your name in lights! I got this idea from when my boss told me about some twitch video where fans voted on every action in a pokemon game. I’m not a dork, so I did not click the link nor do I know what a poke man is. But the general idea I have is to get THE FANS to vote on personnel decisions. We have a drawing for each person to win the chance to be trade liaison for the week. Imagine the fun when one fan demotes Evan White, then hands over the keys and the next guy calls him back up when he’s still driving through Federal Way. And speaking of Evan White,

Jon Heyman

Relatively unknown baseball columnist MADE WAVES last summer where he had the audacity to insult noted nice boy Evan White.

At first with the rest of you I WAS DANG HOT about it, but now that we’re looking for somebody to take over, what better than someone who has been around the league, and can really help inspire the players to be the best versions of themselves?

Jarred Kelenic

There’s an episode of Boy Meets World where Cory teaches the class and Mr. Feeney was a student. I remember Mr. Feeny wearing a Phillies jersey and playing cards.

I am assuming young Cory learned a valuable lesson, and Kelenic could too. Plus he can get what he wants more than anything, the chance to be a Seattle Mariner.

Lightning round (honorable mention)

The following should receive at least a phone screening.

• Scott George
• Jason Bateman
• Gritty
• Howard Schultz
• Rich Amaral
• Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (he will turn it down)
• Whoever is driving Grave Digger
• Any Brian Williams
• I am contractually obligated to say a Seahawk so Chad Brown?
• Jim Cramer from Mad Money

So there you have it. I am doing my part by speaking this into existence, and now that I have written this, Nathan Bishop owes me a Budweiser. I am looking forward to claiming my prize in about 6-8 weeks.