The Seattle Mariners are going to the 2022 World Series. That’s right, folks, you’re hearing it here first from the internet’s number one most optimistic Mariners fansite Dome and Bedlam DOT com. Please tell your friends. But not all championship adversaries are created equal, and we need Cheap Content Slop to keep the dollars flowing in, so that’s why you’re here reading a list post on the off-day before the Mariners begin their postseason odyssey. Eat up, piggies!

#6. Los Angeles Dodgers
Anyone who says you have to beat the best to be the best is a try-hard loser who chooses to work harder and not smarter. The Dodgers won 111 games this season and are, frankly, a much better baseball team than Your Seattle Mariners. I have no desire to see them play each other in a two-game series, let alone a best-of-seven series, and neither should you. NEXT!

#5. St. Louis Cardinals
The only thing saving these awful tiny beaks from the bottom spot is the potential of watching the symbolic passing of the torch from Albert Pujols to Julio Rodríguez play out over seven games after being treated to the appetizer that was the Home Run Derby. Unfortunately, outside of that, the thought of having to directly engage with the Best Fans In Baseball™™™ over the course of a seven game series is enough to make one wander into traffic. I don’t know how the rest of the NL Central does it.

#4. New York Mets
Mets fans have been stealing valor from Mariners fans for years now with their false sense of entitlement to playoff suffering. “oH nO oUr TeAm Is SuCh A mEsS.” You’ve won two World Series and have danced the big dance within the past decade! Shut up and fuck off!* The only reason you’re not ranked lower is because the Dodgers are scarier and the Cardinals are somehow more annoying.

#3 Atlanta Braves
They’re cool and handsome and beating them would make this M’s team feel legit. No real complaints outside the Chop. Stop doing that!

#2 San Diego Padres
The Vedder Cup we were promised. A natural conclusion to the Peoria Sports Complex Thunderdome. Soto vs Rodríguez. The worst possible matchup from a marketing perspective for MLB. It’s everything you, a degenerate, reading this site could hope for in a World Series. What could possibly overtake it for the top spot? Well…

#1 Philadelphia Phillies
This is the pinnacle of sicko performance. A World Series for absolute freaks. Neither of these teams cares about defense and neither should you. MLB desperately wants an Astros/Dodgers rematch, but this affront to all that’s good and holy in the world is what they should get. Luis Castillo would throw a complete game shutout in Game 1 before getting absolutely rocked for 11 runs in a Game 4 nondecision. The awful teens of Mariners twitter would have to engage with honest-to-God Philadelphians. The world would be a better place after this World Series matchup. Mariber take it in 6.

*David Roth please ignore and go on the podcast