The principle behind the website Cameo is simple: “Get personalized messages from your favorite celebrity.” The site has tens of thousands of celebrities and athletes ready and willing to answer your favorite question, say happy birthday to a loved one, or talk about whatever else someone would want a famous person to talk about.

I find the whole service a bit odd. I can imagine the humor in receiving one of these messages, but I am not of the sort of personality that would derive actual joy from listening to someone like Kyle Seager talk at me (sort of) for a minute or more. But, since Dome and Bedlam is a blog for the people, I am here to help you make the most sound financial decisions during this uncertain economic climate.

With over 200 baseball players on Cameo, ranging from a cheap $5 to a more significant investment of $750, in these trying times it’s important to get the most bang for your buck when providing a loved one, significant other, enemy, or complete stranger with a message from a baseball man.

Using an official formula of career fWAR divided by the cost of Cameo video, I was able to determine how many wins above replacement each dollar spent would net. Now, it is important to acknowledge a few shortcomings of this statistical exercise:

• Players that are new to the game, rookies, or minor leaguers suffered greatly under this system. Jake Fraley has played a grand total of 12 MLB games for an fWAR of -0.8, and he charges $60 for his message. As a much-hyped member of the Seattle Mariners prospect system, it is well within his rights to try and capitalize and extract as much money as possible.
• I had to exclude coaches, announcers, sideline reporters, etc. Stubby Clapp, the first base coach of the St. Louis Cardinals, appeared in 23 games for the Cards in 2001, generating an fWAR of -0.1. Obviously, the appeal of spending $50 on Mr. Clapp is for the exciting message from a member of the St. Louis Cardinals coaching staff, not Stubby Clapp, the third pick in the 36th round of the 1996 draft.
• For the purposes of this exercise, I have created the new stat $WAR. This stat is created by dividing a players total fWAR by the cost of their Cameo to determine how many dollars each win costs. For example, Bret Boone’s Cameo costs $99 and he racked up a fWAR of 23 over his career, therefore giving him a $WAR of 4.30.

The Bad Deals

There are a few players who view themselves as “worth the billing,” and in some cases that is more than justified. Mariano Rivera is one of the most expensive Cameos you can purchase from a baseball player at $750. That only equates to an $WAR of 19.18. However, as one of the most famous closers in baseball, this power play Cameo move is likely to elicit a positive reaction to the gifted.

Other players, such as former Mariner Ryon Healy, do not have the fWAR to back up the cost. Healy’s $50 charge is 6.66% of Rivera’s total, but his fWAR of 0.8 is only 2.04% of Rivera’s career fWAR. Ultimately, Healy’s $WAR shakes out to 62.5, over triple of Rivera’s cost. Although Healy borders that “new to the game” category, his direct relationship to the Seattle Mariners warrants noting that he is one of the worst Cameo deals in the game.

On average, it will cost you $4.70 per win among the baseball players on Cameo. Many current Seattle Mariners and ex-Seattle Mariners fit roughly around this category or on the wrong end of it–a fitting testament to the prolonged mediocrity in everything the franchise touches. Bret Boone, with his $WAR of 4.30 symbolizes that perfectly. On the more expensive end, Tino Martinez, no doubt capitalizing on the success of his time in the New York market, is $250 for a message, an $WAR of $8.71. Eric Byrnes, who went from being paid $11 million per year to playing for the slow-pitch softball team sponsored by the Dutch Goose (a burger/beer place in Menlo Park, California) in a week and a half, costs $100 per video–an $WAR of 8.93.

The Good Deals

If you are looking to get the most bang for your buck, some former Mariners fit the billing for your relatives or friends. The forever amazing and immortal Nelson Cruz will cost you a mere $2.66 per win, despite costing $100 for the message. Steve Cishek is nearly on the same Cameo playing field as Cruz with an $WAR of 2.94 (and hitting the pocketbook for a mere $25).

The Seattle Mariners’ Cameo embodies the history of the Mariners as well–some very good and amazing players at the top of the pile. In particular, the Mariners have two of the top four deals on Cameo, but both are coming from players most of us do not consider Seattle Mariners right off the bat. Denard Span, who suited up as a Mariner for half of 2018, is the fourth-best deal on Cameo at 89 cents per win.

For the best Mariners-related deal, look no further than Omar Vizquel, one of the greatest shortstops of all-time. Vizquel began his career with the Mariners and is one of 29 players whose careers transpired over four decades, eventually wracking up 42.5 fWAR. At a bargain basement deal of $25 for a video, Vizquel owns a 0.59 $WAR, the second-best price.

Now, I am not one to tell you how to spend your hard-earned money. Perhaps there is someone in your life that would appreciate a video message from Ramierez, Vizquel, or Span. Most likely, you can also take the money you would’ve spent on Cameo, go to the local brewery, order two growlers of the heaviest ABV beer available, and meet up for a socially distant drink or four. That will probably be better time spent.