The Mariners have announced their Opening Day roster. There are many great things about baseball, and one of them is the thrill of players making their first major league roster. In this particular avenue of good feeling, the 2020 Mariners abound. We are very happy for José Marmolejos, Anthony Misiewicz, and all the rest for achieving a lifelong dream.

That said, while Dome and Bedlam has always been, and will always be, a place to celebrate the players who play our favorite game, this roster is bad. It is, even calculating for the Mariners and rebuilding quotients, abhorrent. It is very likely the worst Mariners Opening Day roster since before the debut of Ken Griffey Jr. in 1989. This roster deserves to be roasted. And so we shall roast.

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• Congrats to Oregon State on having the best baseball roster in the Pacific Northwest.

• Look Mariners is a basketball school, ok?

• How many outfielders does it take to build a baseball team? Seriously, how many? We forgot.

• At least the Mariners have more outfielders than Mitch Haniger has testicles.

• The Mariners appear to have shifted into a Cover 2 Zone defense.

• Sneaking out this roster announcement during the Seattle Kraken presentation was both the cowardly and the correct move.

• Four Dustin Ackleys. Four Dustin Ackleys. FOUR DUSTIN ACKLEYS.

• Taylor Guilbeau sounds like the name of a designer fashion line for teenage boys.

• “Odom” is an anagram for “doom”. That might be a little heavy handed but it’s not wrong.

• How bad is Erik Swanson? Bad enough to not be a 2020 Seattle Mariner.

• With the announcement of the Seattle Kraken today, the Seattle Mariners are officially the sixth-least successful major sports franchise in the city.

• My Dad has “Haggerty, Guilbeau, and Odom” on vinyl. Pretty good record but I always forget which is the B side.

• Jerry once claimed Jake Fraley has all five tools. He forgot the elusive sixth tool: Making the big league roster.

• Bold plan to go with a bullpen made up entirely of players that MLB The Show generates after 10 seasons in franchise mode.

• Evan White knocked over an entire section of cardboard fans like they were dominoes and stopped to pick all of them back up.

• Mariners Baseball – you gotta love these guys! No, seriously, that’s the only way you’ll be watching in September. You’d seriously have to love one of them.

• It was kind of the Mariners to beta test the Seager and Bishop lines for the rest of MLB.

• Joe Odom has certainly played baseball before.

• The Mariners are trying to prove that every infielder is actually an outfielder, given the right interpretation of the word “outfielder.”

• If I wanted to watch a decades-old, multi-million dollar franchise suck this bad, I’d put on Rise of Skywalker

• The Montgomery Biscuits called, they want their bullpen back.

• Making a quiz called “Mariners reliever or center-left political pundit?” And failing my own quiz (guest roast from Shane Hall of Trident Deck)

• Braden Bishop’s Craigslist post “Looking for a swing (26M)” did not go as intended.

• A huge congrats has to go out to Jerry Dipoto, who I’m sure knows some of these guys.

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Go get ’em, boys!